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Update

Just to update some previous posts. I replaced my missing football game by buying a used copy for 15 bucks, and Ben has gone #2 in the toilet twice since his last accident. It’s been almost two months since I hurt my big toe, and it still hurts when I bend it, so I think it’s safe to say that I did break it. I forgot to tag someone when I was it for booktag, so I tag Marie, but she doesn’t blog, and she probably won’t read this to discover she’s it anyway, so I also tag Tommy. If Tommy’s already been it than he can tag someone else, I guess.

Bug-phobia

It’s six AM. I’m jarred from my sleep by the terrified screams of my three year old son Ben. “What’s going on?” I wonder. I gracefully spring from my bed. I can see the hall light creeping under the bedroom door, and I take a guess as to what is happening. “He woke up, and looked for us, and then he panicked when he didn’t find us”, I think to myself. I quicken my pace toward the source of the dreadful cries, intent on comforting my poor naïve child. He must be terrified. My poor child thinks he’s been left alone, and he’s terrified.

I turn the corner, and find myself in the living room. Ben is in view now, but something isn’t right. His Grandpa is with him. Why is he crying then? They’re both in the kitchen. Ben is still frantic, but Grandpa is calm, and composed. What could be wrong?

As I approach I ask what’s going on, and Grandpa tells me what happened. “A fly landed on him while he was eating his cereal.” Oh, no wonder he was wailing at 500 decibels at six in the morning. I’m back in bed, asleep before Ben can say “There’s a fly in my Corn Pops.”

Facial Tick

I think I developed a facial tick today. Ben took my football game out of the Nintendo and can’t remember where he put it. I probably spent two, or three hours looking for it. Have you ever lost something that you really didn’t want to be lost? Then felt the intense frustration that comes from not finding it? After awhile it becomes less about wanting the thing back, and more about how crazy it is that you can’t find it. I mean where could it possibly be? I’ve looked everywhere in the whole stinking house. He’s never lost one of my games like this before, usually he takes the game out of the Nintendo, and puts it in a game case, but not this time. I need Marie to get home so she can use her magical woman power to find it in two seconds, and point out to me that it was right under my nose the whole time.

That’s not the sole cause of the tick though. What put me over the edge was when Ben pooped his pants. It wasn’t so much that he pooped his pants, but what really chapped my butt was that he took his underwear off in the bathroom and made a big poopy mess. He got poop on the floor, and the rug. That’s when I felt my eyebrow start to twitch. I think I might be recovering already though. Somehow, writing the word “poopy” has a way of cheering me up. Now if I could just find that filth, flarrin’, flarrin’, filth football game.

Dear Tech Support

My Mom forwarded this to me via Email. I thought that it was good enough to hold on to.

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed
that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a

lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed
itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system

activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0,
Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to
run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to
Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please
help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User.


Dear Troubled User,

This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that
it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an

OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend
7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from
the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to
not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under
Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and

work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background
application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE
because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before
the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high
maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as
Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use
will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this

happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to
purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds
5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With
Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and
will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

Going in the Toilet: Reloaded

Ben finally pooped in the toilet again today. It was almost a month ago that he had his big breakthrough by going in the potty, and he hadn’t done it again since. He kept on finding somewhere to hide, and going in his underwear, which is massively disgusting to have to clean. At first I took the hard line by punishing him. I was giving him cold showers, and yelling at him. When that didn’t work I knew I was doing something wrong. I looked on the internet, and all of the advice I found there said that I should act like it’s no big deal that he a had an accident, and that I should just encourage him to use the toilet next time. It was about a week ago that Marie, and I adopted this new philosophy, and today it paid off. Whew.

On a related note, I’ve been trying hard to be more patient with Ben. He can cause me to get enormously frustrated, and I tend to be stern with him, because of it. I realized recently what I’ve always known: you catch more flies with honey than vinegar, so I’ve been making a greater effort to be calm, and encourage him to do what I want rather than barking orders, and of course loads of praise always helps. One thing I learned from “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie is to give people a reputation to live up to. For example, with Ben I would tell him how great he is at pooping in the potty, even though he was failing miserably at it. It really works well on kids, and I suspect that it works great with adults as well.